This is all in fun. None of the people mentioned in this ‘document’ actually exist (to my knowledge) and certainly the events aren’t happening (I hope).
For Immediate Release
Flacks Attack DC – Seek own bailout funds
Representatives from the Humble Four, the world’s leading PR agencies, have petitioned Congress for their own bailout fund.
Richard Pitchtoohard, current CEO, Chairman and President of PitchTooHard Media Relations noted in the industry’s appeal letter, “All of our biggest clients – banks, automakers and the rest of the bastards have come to you begging for money. Well guess what – we’ll be grabbing our ankles when they get it to keep their business so we’re going to need a little somethin’-somethin’ from you.”
A ‘bleeding-edge’ translator was called in to decipher the remainder of the letter.
Pitchtoohard’s sentiment was echoed by other members of the group – Dale Illspamyou, head of ProperPR; Jimmy Callmenow of RationalThinkingRelations; and Howard Coverthis from GetPressNowB__ches Communications.
Ancillary members of the ad hoc group, including specialty service providers for press release distribution services, database providers and SEO strategists submitted supporting documents — all in the form of invoices with pleading comments scrawled in the margin. Some standouts include:
- “Please give them money, they pay, no joke – all our bills.”
- “Without these schmoes using our service we’re done for – we can’t live on public company announcements alone.”
- “Would you prefer my 25 or 27 year old daughter?
The group did not mention a specific amount needed for their bailout, noting instead that “they were not greedy, we’ll take anything you’ve got leftover after the auto-industry.”